10 de enero de 2016, 23:34.
New year, same old me. Mi único propósito es ser honesta conmigo misma y los demás respecto a cómo me siento. Ser menos reprimida. Dejarlo todo salir. No embotellar tanto mis emociones.
Let's begin, shall we?
I've been feeling quiet since this afternoon. The kind of quiet where you feel out of place and restless. Bored. Unsettled. Confused. And I realized that I was on my way to getting properly sad, which I haven't been in a long time. (Acabo de tirar los lentes por debajo de la cama. Emocionante.)
Last year I settled into life. Permanent housing with new people, a new job, college, my family moving out, friends... Everything, I guess. Mid-life crisis happened less and far in between, not as intense. They were fleeting, or I didn't dwell on them as much. Can't say for sure.
I can't say, either, if I was happy or content or mindlessly going along or what have you. I just was. It felt... Normal. (As) smooth (as I'm able to perceive).
But now, at this very moment, I'm not like that. I'm unsettled, unnerved, discombobulated. I'm actually crying, and if I let myself go I'll be sobbing in two seconds flat. Just because I experienced what it would be like to be with them again. It all felt so good, just like before, like nothing changed, like we're not apart, when I was there. But now... Man, I don't know. I just wanna go back.
My control is slipping.
And... It's as though... Everything is in the surface of my mind. All those thoughts that I cannot deal with. Chain reaction. Of feelings?
Uselessness. Apathy. What's the point of it all? And I can't help but wonder... Why do I work in something that I'm barely good at? Why did I choose that major? Even though I despise it? What's gonna happen after I graduate? Will I keep going with the bare minimum of motivation?
Mediocridad. No soy tan buena como pienso que soy. Ni tan inteligente. Ni especial.
Same old me. Poor sod.
Fall Out Boy said it better: "I've got troubled thoughts and a self-esteem to match. What a catch."
A quiet disquiet.
11 de enero de 2016, 00:01.
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