Guilt ||

Almost a month into the new year, and here I am again with the same old feelings. Right now, January 25th, at 01:24 AM, a feeling of guilt is flooding my entire being. Guilty of what, you may ask, but hell if I know. But it's deep and gnawing at my mind.  It's there, pulsing, blurring my vision, taking over all my thoughts. Feels like I'm doing things all wrong. 

I have a theory of what might've triggered it. I guess it's because I'm the only one awake in this house; also, amongst my friends (since all of them have work in the morning). Even though I put it into parentheses to make it seem as something unimportant, an afterthought, the truth is that I cannot help the guilt of not having an stable job once again.  Along with the guilt is a feeling of not doing enough, not being productive; of wasting away my potential.

You know, the usual: almost 25, graduated, single, fat, ugly, unemployed, broke, dissatisfied. Full house tonight for the looming existential crisis and anxiety attack.

But as we're hitting the 10 minute mark (it's 01:34 AM now), I go back to my trusty defense mechanisms: repression. All buried down, closed off, throw away the key. Back on auto-pilot. As if nothing happened.